The Perky Princess
by ResidentChevy
Summary: The lighter side of our Angry Princess. Rated for language, vague and hopefully humorous depictions of nudity, and just a touch of violence at the end of the first chapter. Chapter 2: The Angry Princess's Song is up! R&R Please!
1. Mammas Mias

_**The Perky Princess**_

**Chapter One**(Probably the only chapter, but I'll name it anyway): **_Mammas mias_** Which I _think_ is Latin for **_My Breasts_** or I could've got it mixed up with Italian ha ha, ;; Latin, huh? _That's_ perverted. I suck at being a pervert. O well.

Please read this whole thing, there is an explanation afterwards.

**Now the Disclaimer:** _I do not own 13 ghosts or claim to in any way. I do not own The Angry Princess, and I also do not own The Angry Princess's boobs; She paid for 'em, buddy, not me. And if you choose tocharge me for writing stupid fanfiction that people can view for free while Video Hut is charging $2.99 for a 5 day rental of your little masterpiece then THE TERRORISTS WIN! Do you want that? Huh? Consequently I do not own Video Hut, and just to play it safe, I also do not own any of the words in the English language, I am borrowing them from Webster's until I can make my own language. I'm conjugating the verbs right now and that's got me puzzled at the moment...

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_

Ben Moss grabs the briefcase, unknowingly starting the mechanism that releases the ghosts one by one. As he walks back the way he came, something seems different; sinister in a way. Then, there she is in front of him, The pale, bloodless Angry Princess.

Ben(Moves backward) Oh...hi...um look...what I said before...I was just...(suddenly his expression turns into that of a man getting an adult humor type picture in an email, which confuses the hell outta the Angry Princess)

Princess: Wh, what is it? Is my hair Ok? Is my makeup running? What?

Ben: Well, I can see _someone's _happy today! (Snickers)

(**Further Disclaimer:**_ I do not own Snickers or the company that makes them or any candy bar making company, for that matter_)

Princess:(Is clueless, looks around, then down at her chest) ...Oh, F#$& you, Ben! I-It happens to be very cold in here!

Ben: Not from where I'm standing. It looks pretty HOT to me(Makes howling, immature noises; very OOC.)

Princess(Scoffs) Please! If you wanna do a dead girl, I suggest you find a grave and dig it up like all the other necro freaks! Psycho!

Ben: Sheesh, I don't see the problem. You obviously want the attention, I mean, you get the implants, then you decide to kill yourself NAKED in a bathtub. I mean, my sister was a topless dancer and even she had the decency to at least wear a tube top when she blew her brains out, may she rest in peace. I mean, **_HELLO(_**Mouths the word "Slut" whilst pointing to The Angry Princess. Jackal laughs)

Jackal: Right, so we can say anything we want, _Titsy_. Why don't you perk up wit the rest a yer body! (Ghosts laugh mockingly)

First Born Son: I don't get it...

Princess: (Covers herself) Stop it, you vultures! Stop making fun of them! They're _sensitive_!

Ben: Sensitive! Those things could survive the nuclear holocaust if you weren't already dead! (They continue to laugh at and mock her)

Princess: ARRRRGHHH! (Stabs Ben Moss rapidly about 40 times before eviscerating him in vengeance) Now, I don't EVER want to hear ANOTHER WORD about my breasts AGAIN!

There was a long silence, broken by:

Torn Prince: Hey babe, If I say your _ass_ looks hot instead, will you let me out of this cube.

Princess: EAT ME A$$HOLE! (Pauses. Looks up at the ceiling. Disappears)

Great Child: Why is she always so angry, mama?

Dire Mother: I don't know Harold.

Juggernaut: Something about losing all your blood must make you have PMS all the time...

The End

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**Author's Note:**

_I Wrote this because a lot of the fics here that contain the Angry Princess(I'm not saying all of them) Use boobie jokes to lighten the mood, simply putting the character to that one standard. I am so sick of the morbid fascination with breasts and death together in horror movies. There are people who rent R movies now just to get to the token topless scene, be it a dead girl, a dying girl, or whatever. Whether it's zombie strippers In Resident Evil: Apocalypse, or a nude sacrifice to a monster, it's good for symbolism and sometimes humor, but it shouldn't be meant to turn you on. I don't care how big The princess's boobs are, I would not do her, because she is wounded pale sickly and dead. And o yea, She'd probably be disappointed and stab me. What I'm saying is that The Angry Princess deserves more substance to her character, because she has a background. Even references to other features like her face, makeup, hair, even her butt, as the Torn Prince pointed out, would be nice. So, My point is, the standard boobie joke is fine, but remember that she's a **ghost** with big breasts, not **big breasts** with a ghost._


	2. The Angry Princess's Song

**Chapter 2: The Angry Princess'sSong** (_My Humps_)

_**Disclaimer(ARGGGGHHHH!):** I do not own **Thirteen Ghosts**. I never said I did. Okay, maybe once when I was drunk, but like the many "I Love You's" I said that night, it was a complete lie. I also don't own "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas, even though I am parodying it in this chapter._

_**For the confused:**_

_**Areola** is the foreign exchange student/token nude scene girl from **Not Another Teen Movie**. In this way, she is very akin to The Angry Princess, who is the token nude scene girl for **Thirteen Ghosts**. For that reason, I gave her a cameo in this. _

_And** The Hammer Hos** are The Hammer's three fly girl backup dancers. They look like normal fly girls, except that, like The Hammer, their bodies are impaled with railroad spikes in several places. _

_**For the offended by nudity:** There is a thing called imagination. I do this sometimes, too. The key is to, while you imagine the offensive body part, immediately imagine a censor blur that can completely cover the surface of the "bad part" and then, with your mind, put it OVER what you don't want to visualize! But seriously, I am not a pervert, and I don't assume that of anyone who reads this. If you are offended by anything so far, please, just leave. Do not be a jerk and read through this, if you are already biased against it.. And if you are against this before reading it, please do not review. I need some criticism of my relative talent, not what the story is about or what the rating is. _

_That's it for notes, that should prevent lots of confusion. But hopefully not all, hehee!_

**Now the Song**

_The Angry Princess steps onto the stage __She is wearing nothing but an open faux fur coat, one of those J-Lo hip-hop club hats, gold hoop earrings, and a pair of sparkly open toe high heels_. _She strikes a pose._ _Behind her are two special guests you may recognize from their nude scenes: Francesca of **Ghost Ship**_, _and Amber, one of the T-Virus infected Raccoon City strippers from **Resident Evil: Apocalypse**. The beat picks up and in unison they start to back their things up as they enter a pop-and-lock routine. The hammer then pimp walks his way onto the stage headed for The Angry Princess. He is followed by The Hammer Hos Who quickly join the other three girls in formation._

Hammer: Whatcha Gonna do wif all dat stuff, all dat stuff inside that bust?

Princess: I'ma get get get get you drunk, get you love drunk off my humps. I said my humps. My humps, my humps, my humps. My humps, my humps, my humps, My bouncy perky bumps! Check it out:

I drive the censors crazy,

Because I'm butt-ass nakie.

They ask me really nicely,

To please put on a nightie.

Or wear at least a sports bra,

So noone sees my na-nas

Yellin', they be tellin' me

My melons can't be on TV

Pointin' and they're laughin'

But, brother I ain't laughin'

All this cup size I be rockin',

but they just keep censor blockin'

So If they keep on hatin',

I'll just keep on hatin'

We can keep debatin'

But I'll just keep on shakin'

My humps. My humps, my humps, my humps. You love my bouncy bumps, My humps, my humps, my humps! My bosom's got you

Hammer: It got me payin'

Princess: Payin' all attention to me,

And my frontal nudity.

Hammer: It got me payin'

Princess: Payin' all attention to me, t-to me, to me.

Hammer: Whatcha Gonna do wif all dat stuff, all dat stuff inside that bust?

Princess: I'ma get get get get you drunk, get you love drunk off my humps.

Hammer: Whatcha gonna do wif all dat bustin at da seam.

Princess: I'ma make make make make you scream. Make you scream, make you scream!

Cuz of my humps. My humps, my humps, my humps. My humps, my humps, my humps, My bouncy perky bumps! Check it out:

Hammer: I met a ho down at the glass house, she said "Hey hey hey lets make out! I can be your princess. You can be my Hammer, Let's make blood go splatter, mix your chocolate wif my milk duds. Milky milky choco duds. Mix your chocolate wif my milky duds. Milky milky riiiiight!

Princess: Fans say I'm really sexy,

They say they wanna sex me.

I find that disturbing,

Cuz I'm cut up and dead, see.

They're dreamin' of my hump humps,

Grabbin' at my bump bumps.

You can dream but you can't live it,

If you think so, then you

Need a hobby, need a, need a hobby,

Need a hobby, need a, need a hobby.

So don't reach out to feel me,

I aint real, G.

That's all I wanna say, G,

About my humps.

My humps. My humps, my humps, my humps. My humps, my humps, my humps. My humps, my humps, my humps, My perky bouncy bumps! My perky bouncy bumps. My perky bouncy bumps! Shakin' shakin' in the front! My bosom's got you,

Hammer: It got me payin'

Princess: Payin' all attention to me,

And my frontal nudity.

Hammer: It got me payin'

Princess: Payin' all attention to me, t-to me, to me.

Hammer: Whatcha Gonna do wif all dat stuff, all dat stuff inside that bust?

Princess: I'ma get get get get you drunk, get you love drunk off my humps.

Hammer: Whatcha gonna do wif all dat bustin at da seam.

Princess: I'ma make make make make you scream. Make you scream, make you scream!

Hammer: Whatcha gonna do wif all dat(Looks at watch) Daaaaaaaaaaaamn! Cut da beat! (Beat Stops)

Princess:What? What's wrong?

Hammer: I gotta bounce, shorty!

Princes: Hey, wh-what do you mean, baby? You still have to finish the song!

Hammer: Yo I wish I could, but I got's ta meet someone here.

_Areola walks in wearing a scarf and...that's it._

Areola: Hello I am new foreign exchange ghost. I am only here to serve as object of lust for poor ghost who cannot get Mary Sue p(bleep) !

Hammer: C'mon Shorty! Let's hit da town!

(Hammer leaves with Areola)

Princess: B-but I, she,(Sobs) He told me my boobs were special!

Francesca: (Pats The Angry Princess on the back) Did you know there's someone on Yahoo! Search right now looking to pay for an Angry PrincessxFrancesca Thirteen Ghosts/Ghost Ship crossover smut fic?

Princess: (Sniff) How much?

**The End?**

Maybe, maybe not. All I know is that i am **not** doing smut!


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